Myth: I have to weigh less before I can love myself.

It has been a process for me learning to love my body in this life. My husband has always told me that in order to be willing to take care of my body I need to love it. Essentially to me, that means to be grateful for the gift that it is, and thanking God in prayer for it.

As I have become less active through a busy college life and then two pregnancies, my body has changed so much. I have become one of the ladies who looks back on her pictures and wonder why I felt “fat” when I was a teen, when I was indeed healthy. It has made me realize that sometime we focus so much on weight we forget about just being healthy.

I was so worried that others around me had tighter abs than I did, I had not really seen my body for what it was; a strong, able and mostly healthy gift. A gift that had been given to me with the hope that I would use it to serve others, enjoy life and gain strength through it. Mortality has become an opportunity to gain strength both physically and spiritually because of my body and in spite of it.

So, as I have gained some scars, skin and fat aside from the inability to sleep on one side of my body, knowledge that I will never have a medically unassisted birth, I have had to accept myself. When I never went into labor with my first and ended up with a c-section as a result of low fluid, I felt helpless. I didn’t feel like I had any control over my body.  I had gained quite a bit of weight during my pregnancy and formed very bad eating habits. My exercise levels were at an all time low. I struggled getting back into a healthy lifestyle while learning all there was about my new baby.

Soon after I had my second child and had gained more weight from that pregnancy. It turns out, my body doesn’t lose weight during nursing, as I’d expected. I was as unhealthy as I’d ever been.

I realized that I wanted a change, and I decided I would try the INSANITY workout program. I went through it almost completely 3 times. I was finally starting to feel like myself again. I could chase after my busy boys and I felt like I was making progress. In addition, I started making healthier eating choices. More vegetables, less processed foods and baked treats.

Every once in a while (because I don’t own a scale) we would be at my in-laws and I’d work up the courage to step onto the scale. I’d come out of the bathroom frustrated and angry. How could I have not lost any weight AT ALL! I was so discouraged that my hard work did not seem to be paying off. To top that off, I was asked several times if I was expecting. I tried not to let it bother me, but still struggled to love my body and desire change for myself.

I realized that my weight was not a defining factor in my health. I started thinking about the progress I had made, the things I could do now, that I couldn’t do a year ago. I decided to not allow a scale to tell me what my body is worth. I kept exercising and held onto my goal of doing a sprint-triathlon in summer 2014 after a six-year hiatus. I started looking for the muscle definition I was gaining and seeing the rest as more work to do. More time I needed to give to myself, because I loved my body and want to take care of it.

I have continued going to the gym and have an elliptical in my basement, for the days I can’t get out. I’ve signed up for the Sprint, Magrath Triathlon! I am excited to train for it. I am trying each day to make healthier lifestyle changes and look different in the mirror, but I have still not lost weight. Though I am always striving for a healthier me, I refuse to let it define my progress, health and beauty. I still have a hard time some days with the stretch marks plastered all over my torso, but they are fading, as is how much I hate them.

I may always struggle somewhat with my weight and trying not to let it define me, but I also am grateful for the reminder that I need to take care of my body and be healthier. I know that my health will increase along with healthy spiritual and emotional growth. That’s me, always more work to do, but I don’t need to punish myself for not being everything I want to be, because my body needs my unconditional love.  It is through that love that progress is made.