Myth: I Can't Love What I've Got

I used to be a little bit anti-Oprah.  Nothing against her personally, I just tend to be antagonistic towards mainstream things and people sometimes.  But for Christmas this past year, Adam gave me this book, "Things I Know For Sure."  Such a little gem of a book with pearls of wisdom woven through her personal experiences.  I'm now a fan of this woman.  Sorry it took me awhile to come around Oprah.

I love her thoughts on body image in the book and decided to include some of them in a myth for my blog.  Hope you don't mind Oprah.

The amount of time and energy I've spent thinking about my next meal will be incalculable: what to eat, what I just ate, how many calories or grams of fat it contains, how much exercise I'll need to burn it off, what if I don't work out, how long will it take to manifest as extra pounds, and on and on.  Food has been on my mind a lot over the years.

I still have the cheque I wrote to my first diet doctor - Baltimore, 1977.  I was 23 years old, 148 lbs, a size 8 and I thought I was fat.  The doctor put me on a 1,200 calorie regimen, and in less than two weeks I had lost 10 lbs.  Two months later I had regained 12.  Thus began the cycle of discontent, the struggle with my body.  With myself.

I joined the diet brigade - signing on for the Beverly Hills, Atkins, Scarsdale, Cabbage Soup, and even the Banana, Hot Dog, and Egg Diets.  (You think I'm kidding.  I wish.)  What I didn't know is that with each diet I was starving my muscles, slowing my metabolism, and setting myself to gain even more weight.  Around 1995, after almost two decades of yo-yoing, I finally realized that being grateful for my body, whatever shape it was in, was the key to giving more love to myself.

But although I made that connection intellectually, living it was a different story.  It wasn't until about 6 years later, after six months of unexplained heart palpitations, that I finally got it.  On December 19, 2001 I wrote in my journal: "One thing is for sure - having palpitations at night makes me more aware of being happy to awaken in the morning, more grateful for each day."  I stopped taking my heart for granted and began thanking it for every heart beat it had ever given me.  I marveled at the wonder of it.  In 47 years, I'd never consciously given a thought to what my heart does.  Feeding oxygen to my lungs, liver, pancreas, even my brain, one beat at a time.

For so many years I had let my heart down by not giving it the support it needed.  Overeating.  Overstressing.  Overdoing.  No wonder when I lay down at night it couldn't stop racing.  I believe that everything that happens in our lives has a meaning.  That experience brings a messing if you're willing to hear it.  So what was my speeding heart trying to tell me?  I still don't know the answer.  Yet simply asking the question cause my to look at my body and how I failed to honor it.  How every diet I had ever been on was because I wanted to fit into something or just fit in.  Taking care of my heart, the life force of my body, had never been my priority.

I sat up in bed one crisp, sunny morning and made a vow to love my heart.  To treat it with respect.  To feed and nurture it.  To work it out and then let it rest.  And then one night, I was getting out of the tub, I glanced in the full length mirror.  For the first time, I didn't launch into self criticism.  I actually felt a warming sense of gratitude for what I saw.  My hair braided, not a stitch of make up on, face clean.  Eyes bright, alive.  Shoulders and neck strong and firm.  I was thankful for the body I lived in.

I did a head to toe assessment and though there was plenty of room for improvement, I no longer hated any part of myself.  Even the cellulite.  I thought, "This is the body you've been given.  Love what you've got."  So I started truly loving the face I was born in; the lines under my eyes at age 2 have gotten deeper, but they're my lines.  The broad nose I tried to lift when I was 8 by sleeping with a close pin and two cotton balls on the sides, is the nose I've grown into.  The full lips I used to pull in when smiling are the lips I use to speak to millions of people everyday - my lips need to be full.

In that moment, as I stood before the mirror, I had my own "spiritual transformation/a root revival of love," which Carolyn M Rodgers writes of in one of my favorite poems, "Some Me of Beauty."
What I know for sure: There is no need to struggle with your body when you can make a loving and grateful peace with it.

Myth: Beauty has a best before date

I love the book “The Great Gatsby,” so when the movie came out last year, I was totally stoked to go see it.  Needless to say, I loved the movie, but I especially loved the eerily enchanting song from the soundtrack called “Young and Beautiful” by Lana del Rey.  I listened to it all the time, that is until I actually started listening to the words and realized the following:

(While singing along to the song) Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?

(Thinking to myself) Wait a minute.  Obviously everyone reaches a point when they're no longer “young”, but does that also mean they're no longer beautiful?  I don't like that.  I disagree.

And that was about the extent of that conversation I had with myself and I slowly stopped listening to that song.

Fast forward to a few months later.  I read the book “1984,” and, strangely, my favorite part of the book had nothing to do with how it has totally predicted the future and that Big Facebook is watching our every move.  Nope.  Instead, what stuck out to me was the following passage, which has become one of my most favorite book quotes:

Tirelessly the woman marched to and fro, corking and uncorking herself, singing and falling silent, and pegging out more diapers, and more and yet more.  He wondered whether she took in washing for a living or was merely the slave of twenty or thirty grandchildren.  Julia had come across to his side; together they gazed down with a sort of fascination at the sturdy figure below.  As he looked at the woman in her characteristic attitude, her thick arms reaching up for the line, her powerful mare-like buttocks protruded, it struck him for the first time that she was beautiful.  It had never before occurred to him that the body of a woman of fifty, blown up to monstrous dimensions by childbearing, then hardened, roughened by work till it was coarse in the grain like an over-ripe turnip, could be beautiful.  But it was so, and after all, he thought, why not?  The solid, contour less body, like a block of granite, and the rasping red skin, bore the same relation to the body of a girl as the rose-hip to the rose.  Why should the fruit be held inferior to the flower?

“She's beautiful,” he murmured.

“She's a metre across the hips, easily,” said Julia.

“That is her style of beauty,” said Winston.

And just like that, the feeling I had while listening to that silly song was put into words.  There is no end to beauty (which would be a great line to add to the song “If You Could Hie to Kolob,” by the way).  Simply, as Winston said, the style of the beauty changes.  And might I add, I believe the change is for the better.  If nature requires a flower to slowly trade in its petals for wisdom, experience, and sacrifice, the sturdy and steadfast rose-hip can easily be considered equal, if not greater, to the fleeting beauty of the rose.

Myth: I Can Only Enjoy My Body Once It's 'Perfect'

Thanks to those who have contributed myths on my blog.  I appreciate each of you.  It can be tough to be vulnerable and open with others and I applaud and appreciate your courage to do so. Thanks to those who have said they might still contribute.  Please feel free to do so, if you would like.  If you aren't already, I would suggest following BEAUTY REDEFINED on facebook.  I think you'll enjoy the positive messages in your newsfeed.

This morning I went for a run.

The thud, thud, thud of my feet on the pavement was soothing, as it always is for me.  The air carried the crispness of fall and was cool and fresh on my lungs.  The sun cut through the clouds and I could feel her beautiful energy.  I reminded myself to relax into my gait, to pull through with each stroke, to let my hips move freely and to hold my core strong and balanced.  These things are a practice for me, like in yoga.  For me, it's not about getting them right or wrong, just enjoying the practice of learning to move my body in more efficient ways.   I chatted with Ivy and pointed out the trees and leaves and then laughed as she sneezed each time we faced into the sun.

I love to run so very much.  It reminds me how strong I am.  Some days I love to push myself a bit but most days I just love to run.  At a comfortable pace, just soaking it all in and enjoying the movement.

I've heard it said that one reason triathlon is so appealing, is that it reminds us of what it is to be children.  To swim, bike and run and ultimately to move our bodies as a form of fun and play.  Like children do.

I feel saddened to think that many miss out on this enjoyment of their physical bodies.  Particularly if they are waiting to enjoy their bodies until they have reached some magic number on the scale or a certain clothing size.  Enjoy your body now.  The beautiful body you have.  Find something you love to do and take joy in doing it.  Just as a child would.

I chose this myth because I used to buy into it at a certain level.  I had an "aha" moment last year, where I realized that I was saving a certain piece of my happiness to enjoy once I had reached this hypothetical level of bodily 'perfection' that I had created in my mind.  It was a turning point for me to realize that.  I put a note on my mirror, which still remains, that states, "Guard you thoughts.  Think only positive thoughts regarding the look and care of my physical body."  It's a simple statement but it's changed so much of what goes on in my head.  I have reset some of the criticisms that used to have a neurological pathway and changed them to newer, positive messages.

For those who feel the need to have a goal for the look or size of their body, can I suggest that you be careful that these goals help you to live healthier, fuller lives.  If your current goal is causing you to fill up on commercially prepared diet foods and filling you with stress and deprivation, then please re-think it.  A good goal should be one that helps you to improve as a person, to reach higher and deeper.  To become all you can be as a beloved child of God, with so much potential.  In my opinion, physical goals are much more enjoyable if they focus on what you can DO with your body, rather than what your body looks like. The positive changes to your body come as a by-product.  But I understand that it's wonderful to know that your body is in a nice healthy place.

There are many different ways to measure these things but one commonly held measurement of a healthy body weight is to use a BMI chart.  Here's one below.

Bodily perfection can be so loaded and so different for each person.  Who gets to define that?  Well, I would recommend taking control of your mind and your body by making your own definition.  You can take in good information like the chart above and set aside any information that is unhelpful.  You and I have the power to do that.  I promise you will find greater peace and joy in this life, as you enjoy using your body to move, to explore, to be out among nature, to lift, to climb, to create (including and especially children) and all the other incredible functions that these wonderful human bodies were created by God to do.  This body is a gift and we can all enjoy it.  We can enjoy it TODAY.

Myth: The Media is Telling the Truth

Our whole lives we’ve been paying close attention to whatever media is telling us, whether we mean to or not.What I’m telling you now is that media is lying to you so you will buy stuff. Keep reading and see how you can get out of the trap.

My name is Megan Allen, and I’ve known Kim and her family for several years. Kim was one of my amazing young women’s leaders at church. I’ve lived in Calgary for eight years and am currently attending Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. I volunteered or Kim asked me to write a post for her myth series in the spring and after the craziness of school and summer, here it is!

Ever since I discovered Beauty Redefined.com in high school, my whole outlook on beauty and the media has changed. Beauty Redefined is an organization run by two twin sisters who have PhDs in the study of media and body image. I’ve learned about media literacy and the lies that we see in media everyday. Most importantly, each time I read one of their articles I learn about the tactics all forms of media use to objectify women. Once I realize what is truly happening, I can choose to reject the negative messages. My passion to learn about the subject of media and body image has helped me in school since it is the subject that I always choose to write about when I have an essay due. (So pardon me if I recycle a bit of what I’ve already written!)

What is Self-Objectification?

Self-objectification is described as when people adopt the “outsize gaze” as their own.  What does that look like? Well, it is the result of nearly every attempt of advertising and at the core of having a lack of confidence and discouragement with your appearance.  Media, in all forms, such as television, advertisements, magazines and movies present harmful messages to us its viewers. Media forms are not simply entertainment, but shape our reality and views. This is dangerous because what do you see most in media? You see the repeated and relentless female and male ideal. You know the drill, women are supposed to be in a constant state of perfection- thin, toned, long bouncy hair, sexy, and stylish. Women are objectified and most often seen as a one-faceted object with little regard to intellect and most importantly as appealing to men.  You can see examples of the objectification of women all the time. (Even check out the hashtag #NotBuyingIt to see those working to call out advertisers on it.) But what harm does self-objectifying do?

Self-objectification is considered a national epidemic by The American Psychological Association. They have said: “Perhaps the most insidious consequence of self-objectification is that it fragments consciousness. Chronic attention to physical appearance leaves fewer cognitive resources available for other mental and physical activities.” Those who objectify, especially adolescents, are more likely to be depressed, have eating disorders, have lower ambition, lower GPA, lower political efficacy, and are less likely to run for office or vote.”

The impact of media on adolescent females is profound. First of all, it is estimated that average teenagers spend nearly 11 hours a day using media. These resources such as the Internet, television, movies, magazines, music, and advertisements are full of calculated images of perfected women. The Beauty Redefined Foundation concluded that studies show that constant exposure to sexualized female bodies provides great encouragement for girls to view themselves from an outsider’s gaze. Girls are lead to value themselves based on how they look, and their comparisons come from the oft-unattainable standards created by the media. This pressure leads to widespread body hatred and poor body image, which leads to unhealthy sexual choices evidenced by weakened sexual assertiveness.

Behind the academic sounding facts, it’s clear to see that everyone faces self-objectification, including myself. Ever since I began working on being media literate, I still get caught in the trap of thinking that I’m not enough, nor will I ever be. It’s easy to think that way when it’s too easy for the world to convince you that you are not okay as you are. (I mean if they thought you were fine they would have no way of selling anything to you.) I’ve struggled with body image as early as kindergarten. I went to elementary school in Utah surrounded by dancers, dancers, dancers. Since I didn’t start taking dance classes in pre-school, I thought I was too late so I never tried. Plus it didn’t help that I was always taller than all my friends (who were often very naturally petite) and true to my heritage “big boned.” Until I pursued softball when I was 10, I did not feel confident in my abilities to play sports or in what my body looked like (all this strife before the age of ten!) and even after that, I still thought my body would never be good enough.

I still struggle as my weight goes up and down. With the lifelong battle of trying to be in shape, sometimes succeeding, other times going with the flow, I can now have a defense against all of the negative thoughts. I highly recommend that you all go and read the articles on Beauty Redefined, because they have changed my life. I now can see past the lies in media and think more about the harmful thoughts that enter my mind.

“My body is an instrument to be used, not an ornament to be admired.”-Beauty Redefined

This means that when I choose to go running to focus on my fitness, I’m doing it because I value my body and I want to take care of it. When I put on make-up, it’s to accentuate my natural beauty and also for fun. When I focus on taking care of myself and not on what others may see when looking at me, I’m free from a huge amount of stress. The true harm of self-objectification is that we are not living our lives for ourselves; we are living our lives to be seen. My challenge to each of you is to learn about media literacy, and join Beauty Redefined in “taking back beauty for females everywhere.” Whoever you are, you are beautiful, capable, intelligent, and powerful and always remember it.

Myth: The Mold

I’m embarrassed to say it, but growing up, I somehow conjured up the picture of the perfect LDS girl. She had long, straight hair, shimmering white teeth (her Dad was probably a dentist), tiny feet (yes, that was in there), wore pastel cardigans and most importantly, had a thin, straight body. She was always sweet and most likely went to BYU to take nursing or dental hygiene.

While most of this emerged from my overactive imagination, I’m sure a few pictures in the New Era and a dose of pseudo Mormon culture helped it along.

I came into the world with curly red hair and freckles to match my fiery and opinionated personality. Despite my efforts to straighten it, the second I climbed out of a pool or walked a few minutes in the rain, my curls would bounce back up. Later in life I developed a figure I did everything I could to hide. No matter what I wore, I could not hide my breasts and healthy bottom.  I wanted to be cute, I wanted to be sweet, I wanted to look innocent. I got womanly. And big feet.

(That’s me, third from the right)

In my eyes, I was the antithesis of this perfect Mormon girl.

The wisdom of years is a wonderful thing and thankfully my eyes opened to this non-existent ideal. I took that glass-covered picture hung carefully in my subconscious and shattered it. I see now where believing in a mold, or in some kind of ideal, can lead to that ugly green monster envy, and that colorless monster (because it’s just such a mind-numbing way to live) inferiority complex.

I can think of two specific things that helped me understand the truth.

Praying to my Heavenly Father, connecting with Him and knowing He loves me, adores me-created me-helps me see myself and others in a new light. Understanding my divine destiny and learning to separate the beauty of the gospel from Mormon culture helps me see I don’t have to feel bad about myself all the time-or ever! It helps me see the fallacy in other kinds of molds such as The Perfect Mom, The Perfect Husband and The Perfect Number of Children.

Exercise has also been a blessing to me. Seeing what my body can do and taking care of it helps me to value and treasure it. Now, I embrace and celebrate my body and my hair, not to mention my fiery personality. Not that I don’t try to tame all three, but I love my curves and certainly am not ashamed of them. I wear what makes me feel good (read: leggings!) and let people judge me if they want. Exercise has done wonders for my self -image, and that booty just helps me lift more weight off the ground. I’m still working on loving my feet, but hey, it’s a journey.

 When I first heard this quote it had a huge impact on me:

"The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony." (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin)

I use this quote every chance I get. Wow. We make up a symphony, an intricate, complexly beautiful symphony. Let us embrace each instrument, each loud and soft note, each minor and major key, each staccato and legato, each movement and mood and each beat of the drum.

Especially our own.

Myth: I have to weigh less before I can love myself.

It has been a process for me learning to love my body in this life. My husband has always told me that in order to be willing to take care of my body I need to love it. Essentially to me, that means to be grateful for the gift that it is, and thanking God in prayer for it.

As I have become less active through a busy college life and then two pregnancies, my body has changed so much. I have become one of the ladies who looks back on her pictures and wonder why I felt “fat” when I was a teen, when I was indeed healthy. It has made me realize that sometime we focus so much on weight we forget about just being healthy.

I was so worried that others around me had tighter abs than I did, I had not really seen my body for what it was; a strong, able and mostly healthy gift. A gift that had been given to me with the hope that I would use it to serve others, enjoy life and gain strength through it. Mortality has become an opportunity to gain strength both physically and spiritually because of my body and in spite of it.

So, as I have gained some scars, skin and fat aside from the inability to sleep on one side of my body, knowledge that I will never have a medically unassisted birth, I have had to accept myself. When I never went into labor with my first and ended up with a c-section as a result of low fluid, I felt helpless. I didn’t feel like I had any control over my body.  I had gained quite a bit of weight during my pregnancy and formed very bad eating habits. My exercise levels were at an all time low. I struggled getting back into a healthy lifestyle while learning all there was about my new baby.

Soon after I had my second child and had gained more weight from that pregnancy. It turns out, my body doesn’t lose weight during nursing, as I’d expected. I was as unhealthy as I’d ever been.

I realized that I wanted a change, and I decided I would try the INSANITY workout program. I went through it almost completely 3 times. I was finally starting to feel like myself again. I could chase after my busy boys and I felt like I was making progress. In addition, I started making healthier eating choices. More vegetables, less processed foods and baked treats.

Every once in a while (because I don’t own a scale) we would be at my in-laws and I’d work up the courage to step onto the scale. I’d come out of the bathroom frustrated and angry. How could I have not lost any weight AT ALL! I was so discouraged that my hard work did not seem to be paying off. To top that off, I was asked several times if I was expecting. I tried not to let it bother me, but still struggled to love my body and desire change for myself.

I realized that my weight was not a defining factor in my health. I started thinking about the progress I had made, the things I could do now, that I couldn’t do a year ago. I decided to not allow a scale to tell me what my body is worth. I kept exercising and held onto my goal of doing a sprint-triathlon in summer 2014 after a six-year hiatus. I started looking for the muscle definition I was gaining and seeing the rest as more work to do. More time I needed to give to myself, because I loved my body and want to take care of it.

I have continued going to the gym and have an elliptical in my basement, for the days I can’t get out. I’ve signed up for the Sprint, Magrath Triathlon! I am excited to train for it. I am trying each day to make healthier lifestyle changes and look different in the mirror, but I have still not lost weight. Though I am always striving for a healthier me, I refuse to let it define my progress, health and beauty. I still have a hard time some days with the stretch marks plastered all over my torso, but they are fading, as is how much I hate them.

I may always struggle somewhat with my weight and trying not to let it define me, but I also am grateful for the reminder that I need to take care of my body and be healthier. I know that my health will increase along with healthy spiritual and emotional growth. That’s me, always more work to do, but I don’t need to punish myself for not being everything I want to be, because my body needs my unconditional love.  It is through that love that progress is made.

Myth: I have to do extreme diets and starve myself to lose weight.

As a young girl I was active and always had a very hearty appetite.  And even if my eyes were bigger than my stomach I ate what was on my plate. I remember my mom telling me that if I kept eating as much as my Dad it would eventually catch up with me. Well, I had no problem in high school as I played on the badminton team, joined my first fitness club and joined the high school swim team among walking to school in all kinds of Canadian weather.

 Then it was off to University and somehow the active lifestyle gets a little harder. I was busing all the way there, sitting in lectures and enjoying my newly found free time. Even though I decided to study food and nutrition the lessons in biology, chemistry, physiology and lots of other difficult subjects did not have me thinking about my diet.  So I kept eating as much as I wanted of mostly nutritious food and drinks. But as I now know, you can even overdo portions of proper nutritious food and drinks. 

In 2002, Brian and I had joined a fitness club opening near our home and as I started to get fitter I kept eating the same portions I always had and kept my body looking pretty much the same.  Then one day, after having a body fat assessment I was shocked at my result and realized that if I really wanted to see results from the exercise I also had to make a LIFESTYLE change in my diet.  I essentially decided that the time was right to make a change as I did not think it would get any easier after having children.  By eating consciously and lowering my portions so that I felt content instead of “stuffed” the results started to come.  I have always had a good balance of protein, carbohydrate and healthy fat and a diet rich in fruits and vegetables. I dropped approximately 24 pounds before becoming pregnant with my first child and knew that I added muscle mass as I was getting stronger. I participated in 10 and 21 k runs, did my first sprint and Olympic distance triathlons and did resistance training with free weights and machines.  I stayed active through all my pregnancies right until the end and actually ended up losing an additional 10 pounds between the last 2 pregnancies.

I found such a passion with fitness and nutrition I started my own bootcamp and nutrition business in 2010. I was very motivated to share my passion in order to help others achieve their goals.  Only 1 year into the business we had a fantastic opportunity to live in Malaysia.  So as life throws curve balls, the lifestyle I had for the last 7 years had to make a big readjustment.  You cannot go for a run any time of day as it HOT here.  And everywhere there is white rice, isn’t that a big no,no in healthy eating.  You don’t walk many places and it is an effort to drive somewhere to cycle etc.  You do have it made if you like swimming though! I did meet some runners that went out around 6 am so started running with them and went to the traditional gym.  Somehow, my body decided to put on 4 kg the first year here even though I did not think too much had changed.  I have to admit it bothered me at first but my mentality with the number on the scale has since changed completely.

Last year I experimented with the paleo diet for athletes which unlike the strict paleo diet includes sweet potatoes, pumpkin and other starchy vegetables for added carbohydrate.  I was already used to a diet high in fruits, vegetables and lean protein but did feel that I did not have enough available carbohydrate sources.  I was used to having in rice and other grains so I did not continue that very long as I often felt hungry and that options were limited, especially in rice happy Asia.  I have recently adopted a program called eat to perform which focuses on carbohydrate intake before and after workouts as well as later in the day, especially if you have a workout the next morning. The rest of the time the diet is focused on lean protein, healthy fats and vegetables and this is working very well for me and keeps me very satiated.

In 2012 I trained up to 12 hours per week for a duathlon event called Powerman and gained an incredible amount of endurance but definitely lost some strength (especially upper body).  Even with a 2^nd place result in my age group and my body weight dropping to “Pre Malaysia” standards I did not like that I lost strength as my belief is that fitness encompasses so much more than just endurance.  In 2013 the second Crossfit “Box” in Malaysia opened right across the street from my house and I knew I had to try it.  Crossfit combines, strength, flexibility, endurance, agility, gymnastics, Olympic lifting and everything under the fitness umbrella.  During my first 3 months I tried going 3 days a week. I thought these 10 to 25 minute WOD’s (Workouts of the Day) are killing the “fit” me. The more I went the better I got and the faster my strength went up.  My mentality about how I looked and what my weight was did not matter if my performance was improving.  I started to focus my mind and energy to what my body could achieve and as I added muscle mass and ate more to increase the amount of muscle I had, my weight has actually shifted down 2 kilos. But even if I was up 6 more kg and I could lift more or perform better, I do not care!   I am at a healthy and stable 147 pounds and certainly do not wish to drop any body weight from this as that would likely include lean mass.

I believe a consistent diet with emphasis on portion control and healthy foods over time will lead someone to the lifestyle which they can sustain for their entire life.

It has been quite the journey so far but I am by no means ready to stop living the lifestyle that keeps my physically and mentally ready to meet any life challenges that are thrown my way.  When you decide that you want to change your lifestyle YOU will know how and when the time is right J

Myth: The marks on my body from having children are ugly.

I debated whether or not to write on this topic because I don't want to be annoying, beating the same issue again.  But then I decided that this is the myth that I feel most strongly about at this stage of my life.  I figured if it carries the most meaning for me right now, then that meaning will come across in what I write, and hopefully be most meaningful to those reading.

I also don't mean for this to apply only to mothers because in life we all get 'marked'. Whether physically or emotionally, these marks become a part of who we are.  Difficult or challenging experiences, even the happy ones, leave us changed forever.  Marked.

The choice we have is how to view these "marks".

I can remember in my first pregnancy, my cousin mentioning how she had to buy all new jeans after being pregnant because her hips just weren't ever the same.  They were wider after.  Permanently wider.  Even after losing all the pregnancy weight.  "Hmmm....I thought.  That's interesting."  In my inexperience, I had never considered that pregnancy could change you forever. I had just thought I would return perfectly to who I was before.

And from the first pregnancy I mostly did, physically (although not from the second and third). But not emotionally. Nope, I was never going to be the same emotionally after bringing a child into the world and caring for that little baby and being challenged in ways I had never dreamt.  I became a little more mature but also a little more serious.  I think I lost some of the childlike lightness I had before.  Two years post partum, I was playing beach vball with my dad and brother and we were all joking around and having fun.  My sister, who was watching, made a comment about how she was glad to see "the old Kimmy".   I realized in that moment, that having a child had changed me.  Gradually I have brought back "lighter" pieces of myself that were a bit lost after Riley but the truth is, I'm the same Kim but also different.  My very personality has been marked by motherhood.

Then after Kyla I had physical marks.  Varicose veins haunted my pregnancy and remained afterwards.  My core reminded me of a balloon that had been blown up, twice.  That double stretch left the skin a bit loose and I now carried a bit of fat there, which I never had before.  It bothered me. Just as with the veins, I found myself looking down at that part of my body, often.  Wishing it would 'just go away'.

Third pregnancy has been similar to the second.  The veins have been a source of constant sadness to me, as I've watched new spider veins fail and grow dark in various spots.  I felt a bit helpless watching this.  I was wearing compression socks on days I knew I'd be standing lots but I had this sinking feeling that I'd probably be stuck with them no matter what.  There was also a nagging feeling that maybe I was doing something wrong.  Making them worse by some mistake I wasn't fully aware of.  Maybe my exercising was making them worse, I wondered.  But I wasn't willing to give that up.  Plus, the expert at the vein clinic said exercising often helps move the blood through, but I still doubted and wondered how to help my body.

These physical changes have been more challenging to me than the emotional ones.  With the emotional ones, I realized that the changes were 'enriching' me, rather than 'detracting' from who I am.  Giving me more empathy and compassion for others, allowing me to grow and change.  Because deep down I strongly believe that if I resist and resent change emotionally, then I am resenting growth.  And I love growth and change, emotionally that is.  Physically, not so much.  But shouldn't the same principles apply?  I think so;  I am enriched physically as I experience life and change because of it.  

So that has got me thinking.  Back when I was training for a full ironman, I was very inexperienced with clipless pedals and gear changes.  Like ridiculously and embarassingly inexperienced.  On hills, when my speed slowed, I often didn't gear down properly and ended up coming to a stop before I could unclip.  Yep, I fell over, many times.  I'm sure I was highly entertaining to the highway drivers passing by.  I ended up with cuts and bruises on my legs  And you know what the odd thing was, I loved them.  I loved that I now had marks on my body from doing something awesome.  I was training for an ironman and I now had marks to prove it.  So why is it any different with motherhood marks?

A moment that every ironman athlete looks forward to is when he or she gets to cross the finish line and hear the words of the announcer say, " (insert name) YOU...ARE..AN...IRONMAN!!!!  In that moment, it's like your months and countless hours of training are being recognized and appreciated and honored.  You are given a title.  A title that you will always have, even if you go home and get super, duper fat and unhealthy.  Jokes.  Many athletes get a trademark 'M' dot  tattoo on their calf.  A symbol to all for what they have done.

This same feeling of honor should be attributed to mothers.  Even when we may not feel we are honored by others, at times, we should give honor to ourselves.  Honor the sacred title, 'mother'.  Honor it by carrying our marks with grateful recognition that these are an external 'symbols' of the incredible thing we have done.

Perhaps we can also be mindful in how we talk to other women about their 'marks' or lack of 'marks'.  In a beautifully written email from an anonymous friend of mine:

Women are so competitive with each other. We all want to look like we "were never pregnant" at our first visit back to church with our newborns. Like the best compliment we can get from girlfriends is that we don't look like we were ever pregnant. "Oh congrats on the new baby! You look great! You look like you weren't even pregnant!" (that's an appropriate compliment?) I wish we could celebrate something else after giving birth like I don't know maybe the beautiful miracle of life you just created - and not compete with how other women "bounce back" after pregnancy and post on Facebook how soon we fit back into our "skinny" jeans. That kind of conversation with other women in my opinion almost creates unnecessary walls and or tension between the women who can bounce back and the women who can't or at least not as quickly.  I have made a point never to comment on a new mom's physical appearance but focus on her beautiful baby and or her wonderful mothering. It's one thing to be healthy and happy it's another to try to meet unrealistic standards set by comparing ourselves to others. "Comparison is the thief of Joy." Theodore Roosevelt. 

So in our conversations with others and even more importantly, the conversations we have in our own heads, I hope we can all give more honor to these marks.  Remembering that we came here to earth to be marked up.  To live.  To learn and grow and offer the world something good by the fruits of our lives, including children and all other good things we give the world.  Bringing life into this world is an amazing thing and to be marked up because of it is kinda special.

Beauty Myths Dispelled

Most of you probably know that I am passionate about helping women learn how to accept and care for their bodies in nourishing, healthy ways.  You may read the word 'accept' and think, "how can I accept this?" Said while picturing in your mind all the things you view as being imperfect, even ugly.  Acceptance doesn't mean you don't hope for and look forward to positive changes, both in how you feel and how you look.  Rather, it comes from a deeper understanding of your divine worth as a person, regardless of your body.  This acceptance whispers peacefully, "who I am right now, today, is good enough and even beautiful."

This acceptance or at least moving more towards this type of acceptance brings a cleaner form of motivation.  The motivation that says, "I'm going to take care of myself because I love myself."  Rather than, "I'm going to punish this ugly body until it turns into something better."  The latter motivation is like a dark tunnel with no light at the end.

Why do I feel so passionate about this cause?  Well, I've wondered that this morning, as I woke up before sunrise to feed my infant daughter.  As I nursed her in the quietness, I thought about how much I care about women.  I care about women and I care about the things they struggle with.  I have felt the struggle of feeling frustrated with my body and have written about it before.  Two years ago, a photo shoot with a good friend brought up some of my inner insecurities.  It gave me the painful opportunity to face them and try to bathe those insecurities in the light of truth, thus finding healing, which I also wrote about, through many tears.
 
I remember when I looked at that first photo from the shoot and saw so many flaws.  Ouch!  It hurt.  I think it unearthed the lie that had been lying somewhat dormant, buried deep.  A lie that said, "see look.  You really are ugly after all."  I don't know when that lie was planted.  Might have been in junior high when I was teased for my height and I felt so self conscious about being tall.  Might have been reinforced a bit on a shopping trip with girlfriends when I didn't fit into the trendy jeans the way they did.  Might have been some other time.  But what matters is that it is a lie.  It's always been a lie.  A painful lie.  One that's painful to look at and easier to bury.  The photo shoot brought it out in all it's fury.  I called a friend in tears, knowing that although my husband is kind and loving, I was going to need a woman's perspective on this one.

I can't even remember what my friend said but I know it was helpful.  It was a start to a process of true healing for me.  As I started this process, I realized that I wanted to help other women with their healing too.  That's why I started the beauty discussion on my blog.  I so appreciated the stories shared by other women.  As women, I believe we receive vital healing when we are honest and real and loving with each other.  

At that time,  I was preparing for a half ironman in Hawaii.  Please take note even though I was quite fit and lean at the time, I still wasn't completely accepting of my body.  Acceptance has more to do with what's going on inside, than what's going on outside.  I really believe that.

At 135 lbs I was pushing the lower limits of what is a healthy weight for my body.  I give you that number in hopes that it might be helpful.  Some of you might be thinking, "oh, that's really light."  Others of you might be thinking, "wow, that's quite heavy."   Adam said at that time that I looked a little gaunt in the cheeks.  I remember my father in law asking me how much I weigh, (yes, he's funny like that) and when I told him, he was so surprised.  He said, "really, I thought it would be a lot less." I took it as a compliment, because he knows I'm healthy and in his mind, a healthy woman weighs about 120 lbs.  We all tend to have such loaded perceptions about weight.  Loaded with so much judgement, the harshest of which we put on ourselves.

And now I find myself  in a different place in my life.

My body has gone through a lot of changes since then.  I gained a bit of healthy weight following the intense season of racing.  We were trying to get pregnant and so I chose not to sign up for any big races.  I did a marathon on a treadmill just before Christmas and a couple half marathons as well (relatively speaking these weren't major races compared to the long distance triathlons.)  And then the great news that I had waited for, I was pregnant.

As I experienced life growing inside me and watched my body change, I pondered on the marks of motherhood.  I often struggled emotionally, looking at my varicose veins but I learned and grew a bit from that struggle.  So I'm learning about beauty from a different angle and enjoying the ride.  Living life inevitably means that I am going to see changes to my body, whether that be from aging, having children, or other things.  These changes will challenge me in new ways, forcing me to find anew that peaceful place in my heart that says, "I am ok.  I am beautiful.  Even though my body is different, I am still me and that is always good enough."  I hope that with each stage I am able to find that place a little quicker than the last time.

I believe we find that peaceful place, in part, by dispelling myths!!

So that's what I want to do on my blog for awhile; DISPEL MYTHS.  

Women, teaching women, in honest and vulnerable ways.  Being real with each other.  Taking a myth and explaining from their perspective why it's just not true.  Helping to bathe each of our lies in the light of truth and see things more as they really are.  See the beauty in ourselves.

If you read this and think, "oh I have a beauty myth that I would love to write about",  please get in touch with me.  This isn't about being an expert on anything, it's just about being willing to be honest and real and share some things you've struggled with and then learned from.  In hopes that it will help someone else.