Six year old maternity clothes should be burned.

Ok so I'm 22 weeks pregnant now and I FINALLY decided to go through my old maternity clothes.  I've had these boxes stowed away in a closet for a long time.  Over six years to be exact.

You may wonder, what have I been wearing all this time? 

Well, I have bought some new clothes, specifically skirts and dresses but I haven't bought any shirts or pants yet.  I have a lot of long shirts, so I've just been stretching those out.  I'm totally fine with letting them get stretched out and "wrecked" because then I can throw them away after and buy new clothes.  In terms of pants, I'm down now to black sweat pants and black leggings.  I tried on all my pairs of jeans one morning last week before I went out to volunteer in my daughter's class and not a single pair fit.  No, it wasn't fun trying them all on, in case you were wondering.  

So last night I finally bit the bullet and pulled out those boxes.  It was worse than I expected....much, much worse.  Keep in mind that I was a poor student back in my previous pregnancies and I think some of the clothes I wore had even been handed down to me when I was pregnant with Riley, making them like 10 years old.  It felt like such a time warp.  A tragic time warp into maternity nightmares.  Adam laid on our bed reading a book while I groaned, moaned and sometimes laughed as I sorted through the clothing.  At the end of the experience, I laid down feeling tired and annoyed with my lack of clothing options for the next 4 months.  It's just so hard to spend money on clothes I'm only going to wear for such a short period of time.  He said something like, "Kim, pregnancy is hard enough with the changes to your body,  Don't make it harder on yourself by wearing clothes that you feel ugly in.  Spend some money and buy yourself some clothes you like.  Just donate the rest."  

Ok so before I donate these beauties, I thought I would share a few of them for your enjoyment.
I tried to really show off the two-toned tummy pouch and I think you'll also appreciate my modeling skills.

I'm still running...

Last Friday I tried to run but it just didn't feel quite right.  I felt a bit of pinching and pain in my right upper glute area.  So I did a few walk/run intervals and then spent the rest of my time on the elliptical.  

At over 21 weeks pregnant, I suppose it's bound to happen.  Days where I need to adjust my plan, pull back and take it easier.  

You might think that since I can be kind of hard core about exercise, that this would be hard for me.  But it's really not.  I'm thoroughly enjoying this stage of exercise.  My priority is this beautiful little miracle growing inside me.  It's a relief and a privilege for me to exercise without added pressures of a race or a fitness goal. I actually feel like for me, pregnancy is a time to build up reserves of fitness intensity, so that when the time is right, I'll have these reserves to call upon.   

After seeing my chiropractor and massage therapist I felt a lot better on the treadmill today and ran for 30 minutes.  Then I did 20 minutes elliptical and some upper body strength training.  One thing I have lots of these days is TIME, with both my kids in school all day.  I usually spend my mornings at the gym, taking my time doing cardio, strength training, spin class, yoga or whatever else I feel like that day.  It's as much a social and emotional need that is filled, as it is a physical.  The gym has become my place to visit with other women and be around people.  It's a fun environment for me to spend some of that time.

I'm also still teaching boot camps and doing some personal training.  I love my boot camp girls (yep, that's you if you're reading this) and I enjoy sharing some of my love of fitness.  I know lots of people exercise because they feel like they should or because they want to lose weight but I love seeing a shift in people where they also exercise because they start to LOVE IT.  Not just as a chore but as something they might even call FUN.  I feel like the same shift can happen with eating.  Where you start to eat healthy because you love how that food tastes and you love nourishing your body.  When these shifts happen, healthy living is no longer a burden but a joy and a privilege.  Truly, these bodies of ours are amazing miracles and caring for them is one of the greatest challenges but also the greatest opportunities of LIFE.

I Choose To Be A Mother.

Two years ago I was training for Ironman Cozumel with Adam.  We spent an of average of about 15 hours/week training.  In crash weeks we were training upwards of 26 hours/week.  It was very demanding and fulfilling at the same time and required a lot of planning and teamwork for me and Adam.  After the race, we were both on this athletic high.  The experience had been beyond incredible. We were so eager to keep the dream alive so to speak and signed up for two half ironmans, one in Hawaii and one in Miami.  We ended up making the heart wrenching decision to forfeit our Miami registration because the race fell on a Sunday, which is a sacred day of rest in our religion.  We did race in Hawaii and had an incredible experience.

On the one hand, it seemed that we had come upon an incredible lifestyle.  Training, travelling and racing held such appeal.  We were both getting faster and faster.  Adam often mentioned how great it would be to get our pro card.  We were at a bit of a cross roads.  I felt like I had been a good mom through all this training and racing.  I mean, how does anyone really define what a "good mom" is.  It's so subjective but I felt in my heart that I had been giving my mothering enough time and attention for my kids to thrive....I just wasn't sure I could keep doing that going forward, if I pursued triathlon even more.  At this new stage, I wondered if a shift was required for our family.

Please keep in mind as you read this, that these are my own personal musings and in no way reflect what is right and good for each and every family.  We are all so different and we all have our own choices to make and our own roads to travel.

Two roads seemed to stretch out in front of me.  Both held their own unique appeal.  On the one road, I could continue to pursue triathlon to see how far I could take it.  With my kids growing older and in school full time, I would have plenty of time for training.  I foresaw on this road a lean body, amazing experiences travelling and competing with Adam, medals, building of character through training and competition.  But I also saw myself feeling a strain and pull on my energy and focus between mothering and triathlon.  Even if I got my training in while my kids were in school, I knew that the emotional and physical demands of the training would effect my mothering.  I know that some women pull off being a mother and an elite athlete but I know my limits and I know for myself that although excelling in sport would provide some inspiration to my children, it would also have a cost.

On the other road, I saw us continuing to try for a third baby.  Whether or not I actually got pregnant, I saw myself being devoted even more fully to being a mother.  Not just making it something I did out of duty but something I gave more of myself to.  Not a side job but my main job and focus in life.  When I looked down this road, I looked further into the future.  I saw myself when I was eighty years old.  Sitting in a chair with my husband next to me, talking about our lives....reminiscing.  I imagined us talking about our children.  Discussing the ups and downs, the funny moments, the sacrifices and most of all, the people they had become.  I felt a taste of that joy.  The joy of raising a child into an adult.  Of giving them such a huge piece of myself through time and sacrifice and seeing those things blossom.

I wanted that more than I wanted the medals.

I still do.

So, I chose anew to be a mother.  I had made this choice before and I imagine I'll make it again.

I love my kids, I always have.  Triathlon, sport and fitness have been a part of my life for many years and I hope they will continue to be for many more years.  I have no regrets with the races that Adam and I have been able to participate in.  I treasure those experiences deeply.  They are a part of who I am now.  I hope that the character development from Ironman will help me to be an even better person and to have a greater influence on the people in my life, including my children.

I plan to earn more medals to hang on my wall in the future and hope that I can strike that delicate balance between being the mother I want to be and pursuing those things in life that bring me joy and help me to be a better person.  It's not easy but I'm going to try.

Women Who Play

(I'm top row, middle - #4)

(Yes, my bangs were permed.  Awesome)

Growing up I always thought it was the most normal thing in the world to play sports.  Any sports.  Not just figure skating and swimming but all kinds of team sports, even the ones requiring some aggression.  I never once thought of 'boxing out for the rebound' as being unladylike in any way.  In boxing out you have to hold your ground in such a confident, assertive way and I think practicing these types of skills has transferred over into my life.

I played basketball from a young age.  I believe I was 6 when I started.  I played in high school with some extremely talented girls and we won cities and 4A provincials every year.  I received a few offers to play post secondary basketball but made a heart wrenching decision not to.  I remember going under the bleachers to cry when I watched the first game at the University of Lethbridge.  I loved basketball so much and up to that point I defined myself largely as an athlete and specifically as a basketball player.  It was good for me to learn to define myself in other ways and I had some great years at the U of L, even without basketball.

But basketball had played a major role in shaping who I was up to that point.

I am so grateful for the lessons I learned through sport and I want the same for my daughter.  I guess I'm partial to basketball but Kyla has enjoyed participating in karate, soccer and dance too, so we'll see which sport interests her the most as she gets older.  One thing is for sure, the girl has intensity...and I LOVE IT!



I've been reading a couple books lately about women in sport and they have really opened up my eyes to how far sport has come for women and how recently things have changed for women in sport.  Did you know that in 1972 TITLE IX was passed in the United States, stating that gov't funded schools and programs could not exclude females.

 One athlete said that shortly following this new legislation, her and her friends would often go buy penny candy and then go to the sandpit (baseball field) to see whose parents (very few at the time) had allowed their daughter to join.  When she wanted to join, her parents questioned her, "What if the ball hits you in the face, or even worse, the pelvis, rendering you infertile?  Who will marry you?"

Truly, sports have come a long way for women.

I hope to raise a strong, confident, healthy girl and my hope is that involving her in sports will help her become all that she can be.

Vegetables....oh how I've missed you.

Yesterday my father in law called.  He asked how I've been feeling and I told him, "I feel really good now.  The nausea is gone and my energy is back."  He went on to describe, as he has many times, how he turns into such a baby when he feels sick.  Laying on the couch all day....you know, the typical "man sick".  He complimented me and said he's amazed with how I even get through that stage.  It's very kind of him.

It is a hard stage and I'm so, so sorry for those women who suffer with nausea their whole pregnancy.  When mine subsided and I started to feel normal-ish, one of the things I welcomed back the most was feeling HUNGRY.  That growly tummy, have to eat something quick feeling.  Or feeling THIRSTY.  Like you just want to drink a big, tall glass of water.  I missed those feelings.  I ate and I drank but only because I knew I should.  I ate what I tolerated which was anything not cooked by me, cheese, potatoes, sometimes fruit, a little meat but definitely not sugary foods and definitely not fresh vegetables.  I remember buying several boxes of crackers, because I had heard that other pregnant women tolerated these well.  I brought them home, excited to have something simple that I could snack on.  But then I opened them and could only eat the unflavored melba toasts.  The types with flavors totally turned me off.  Bland foods all the way baby!

So when these little beauties started ripening in my garden, I was grateful that the timing coincided with my fading nausea:

I try extra hard to eat well when I'm pregnant.  I am so mindful that whatever I do with my body effects both me and my baby.  Her little body is growing and developing inside me at such a rapid rate and I know that having lots of good nutrients will help in that development.  It helps that sugary foods don't really appeal to me much during pregnancy.

One of the main reasons I like to eat well, not just during pregnancy but for life, is because of the strong connection I have noticed between what I eat and how I feel.  After having Riley, I had some baby blues for awhile.  I had a strong impression that if I ate better, I would start to feel better.  That's when I really got into veggie sandwiches (whole grain toast with mustard and topped with avocado, tomato, cucumber, spinach and s&p.  So yummy.  And I feel so good after I eat things like this.  Some days I'll notice I feel kind of sluggish and down, then I'll eat something live and fresh and within a short period of time I feel so much better. I honestly believe that if I didn't eat well and exercise regularly I would struggle with depression.  The connection between physical health and emotional health is so, so powerful! (Which is not to say that the cure for depression is that simple.  For many people, it is more complex.)

Don't get me wrong, I do eat treats sometimes too...like at Calaway Park last Saturday when Adam's company rented out the park and we could eat for free from all the vendors (mini donuts, popcorn, ice cream etc).  It was fun but I feel like my body is only today recovering from that.  In general, I like to eat well.  Good food tastes good, makes you feel good, nourishes you in so many unseen ways and doesn't leave you with a nasty guilty hangover.

It's a GIRL!

I feel like it's risky to hope for a gender but....I was really hoping for a girl.

Everyone kept saying they thought it was a boy, everyone except my mom.  Early in my pregnancy my acupuncture guy said he was getting some really masculine energy from the fetus so he figured it was a boy.  Or a really masculine girl I guess, whatever that means.

Then at my midwife appt. earlier this week, she said she had a really strong feeling it was a boy and then she wrote her guess on my forms.  I asked her if she's usually right and she said, "I'm about 50/50."

Adam has felt strongly that it's a boy from the beginning.  We've mostly called it a "he" but I've had my little desire for another little girl, that I've tried to suppress because I wanted to be open to whatever little spirit is coming to our family.  And I would have loved a boy too of course.

I've been having super intense dreams leading up to this ultrasound.
In one dream I went to my appt and they removed the baby (don't know how) to examine her and she weighed 12 pounds.  I was so concerned about putting her back in because then she'd be so big to push out at full term, so my midwife told me I could keep her out.  Then I had to be super gentle and careful in caring for her because she was pre-term and for some reason, blind as well.
In another I realized my ultrasound was a day early and so I rushed out the door to get to the appt.  While stopped at a stop light, a big black lady got in the back of my car and demanded that I take her to her appt.  I refused, saying how important my appt. was and we fought for awhile.  Finally she got out and I started trying to get to my appt again, which is when I woke up with my heart racing.

So, needless to say I've been kinda worried and apprehensive about this pregnancy, which is strange for me because I'm not usually a worrier.  I've had a couple friends have miscarriages recently and a couple friends lose their babies and my heart has broken for each of these people that I love.  It's made me realize that there are no guarantees, even for people close to me and even for me.

I had this little fear that I would lay down on the technician's table and she would bring up my uterus on the screen and there would be nothing in there.

The technician I did end up having, not in my nightmares but in real life, turned out to be the nicest person.  She let my two kids, my husband and my parents into the room for the whole thing.  And when she showed me my little person up there on the screen, I was relieved and filled with love and amazement.  There really is a little person in there and she looked so perfect to me, even with her alien face.  Every little feature looked incredible, like a true miracle in my body.  I was teary when I first saw my beautiful little baby and I was teary again when she told me that it's a girl.  I was grateful for a kind technician that would make that experience special, safe and comfortable for me and my family.

Favorite moments:

- Riley commenting a few times, "I think I see a penis."

- When the technician said, "It looks like you're having a little girl."

- Riley asking how her computer works, how her instruments work, how the gel works, where the amniotic fluid was, what would happen if the umbilical cord broke and so on and so on...

- The technician telling me she was happy to answer all our questions and she loves her job, especially doing babies.  (I'm going to write her and boss a letter thanking her).

- Seeing how much my baby moves.  Her feet were up by her head, then stretched out, then she'd roll over.  I remember at my ultrasounds with my two other kids that the technician was surprised by the movement and it was no different this time.  Another wiggly, active little baby coming at us I guess.

- Telling my mom at the end, "I'm so glad you both could be here with us." My mom responded, "yeah, it was so special for us to be here." Then we both looked over at my dad and he was asleep in his chair.  So funny.  He has mild narcolepsy, as his excuse (at least I have diagnosed him with that).

A Pregnant Runner.

Pregnant running...just those words create lots of funny mental images for me.

I always enjoy watching people run.  Being a personal trainer and a longtime lover of running, I like noticing the different techniques.  I'm proud and impressed with anyone who gets on a treadmill or gets outside and runs.  Some are extremely comical though.  A common one is the "bouncy" gait.  You know, the people who spend more of their energy going up than going forward.  Last week I saw this guy who was running but yet, it was slower than a really slow walk.  I mean he had the running movements but he wasn't really moving.  And now, I fall into one of these comical categories.

A pregnant runner.

My belly hasn't reached it's full splendor but it will soon enough and I'll still be running then too...I hope.  I ran right up until the end of both my previous pregnancies.  I always ran outside back then (didn't have money for a gym membership back in the day) and I remember getting a lot of looks.  I could just imagine what was going through their heads...."is that girl pregnant....whoa....like not just a little pregnant.....but she looks like she could have her baby any day now.....whoa....she's actually running.....that must be like, really, really uncomfortable."  I loved those faces.  I just kept on running and thinking, "oh yeah, that's right.  Stare all you want, I'm totally in my element right now."

You see, running is like a major form of therapy for me.  It reminds me I am strong.  It releases the stresses of the day.  It fills me with all those beautiful endorphins, more that any other type of exercise.  I love it so much, I even wrote a poem about it.

Once a week I meet up with my dad and we run together.  It's bonding and fun.  I find we have the best conversations when we're running together and I plan to connect with my kids as they get older by going for runs with them.  We usually run between 5 and 8 km and we're not terribly fast but it's all good.  He's old and I'm pregnant, so we both have a good reason to just slow down and enjoy it.

Side note: I'm 18 weeks pregnant now and have my first ultrasound tomorrow where I will hopefully find out if it's a boy or girl.  So excited!