I've wondered about the words, 'pregnant glow' lately. Maybe that glow comes in part from being a little sweaty from having just thrown up your lunch. Or maybe it's because you're flushed and oxygen deprived from the baby compressing your lungs. Or maybe it's something more poetic and magical....
Pregnancy and child birth (not to mention raising the actual child) are certainly experiences that change you forever.
I've been thinking about some of these changes lately.
I've heard of so many different symptoms that female friends and family have experienced. Depression, weight gain, nausea, insomnia, crazy dreams, joint pain, back pain, anxiety, water retention, mood swings, food aversions and migraines to name a few. My sister's whole body would itch severely during her third trimester. Pregnancy is so weird.
For my part, I had nausea with all three pregnancies. I had some insomnia in my last pregnancy but thankfully not this time. My feet were both a size 8 before I had Riley. After that first pregnancy, they became a size 8.5 Then, miraculously after Kyla my right foot was a 9 and my left an 8.5. It remains to be seen where my feet will end up after round three. I had the strangest symptom after Kyla where the left side of my scalp was constantly greasy. Didn't matter if I had just showered and blow dried my hair, that side was as greasy as if I hadn't showered in weeks. Only solution I found was to shampoo with dish soap. I struggled emotionally in my pregnancy with Kyla and I remember Adam saying, "I miss my Kimmy." It was said in a sweet, longing way. Not judgementally. I missed myself too.
If you've spent much time with me the past month, you've probably heard me lament my most recent change that I'm grappling with: VARICOSE VEINS. I love my legs. They're strong, healthy, long and athletic. I've never been much into flaunting them with high heels but I just privately find joy in them. It's hard to see something you love become scarred. I had some veins collapse last time but I hoped that after I had the baby they would heal up. They didn't. This time around, more veins have been struggling and bulging and darkening. Not only that but they throb sometimes too. One even has a clot in it that I will be getting an ultrasound on shortly.
It's astounding and humbling for me to consider these sacrifices. I can picture in my mind's eye, many women that I love, offering their bodies as a vessel to bring a child into this world. It is like they are stepping forward to an altar of sacrifice; silently, willingly, laying their offering there. It is a deeply personal, divine experience. It is an incredible sacrifice. Hard, at times. One that changes you, both inside and out, forever.
After having Kyla, my tummy carried some extra bulge. I lamented this and obsessed over it a bit. Then I started to learn something. This was a mark of motherhood. A mark on my body that I carried with me, a sign of the sacrifice I had given. To God this mark was beautiful. I had a hope planted in my heart that perhaps with some time and perspective it would be beautiful to me too. Perhaps all the marks I bear, both emotional and physical, will become incredibly beautiful to me. They are symbols of my sacrifice. Symbols of what I have offered. Symbols that I am a mother.
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