To All Mothers.

I've been thinking lately about parenting "methods" and advice.  The newborn stage does that for me. I mean, these little two foot humans can be intimidating, even to the most confident parent.  Even with it being my third baby and Ivy having a generally mild temperament, there are still times I look at her and wonder, "what is it you want?"  In the night at 6am after being up for three hours, I ask that through tears.

Even worse than wondering what it is your child wants, is a deeper confusion that lies to you saying, "you've messed your child up.  You're doing something wrong."  Or, "if only you'd done this or that, then you and your child would be better off."  

Most nights Ivy sleeps 4-5 hours, is up for nursing, burping, diaper change and snuggles, then back to bed for another few hours.  So our nights have been fabulous!  But it only took one rough night for me to start to doubt my methods.  Thinking through the day and evening, trying to figure out what I might have done that caused this rough night.  

I think that's part of the problem.  The assumption that BECAUSE my child is having a hard time, I must have done something WRONG. 

I think of other moms I know and so many are bathed in feelings of self doubt, wondering if they are failing their children.  These are horrible feelings to carry and I don't believe these feelings come from God.  In my heart I feel and know that God honours mothers.  He so appreciates every sacrifice and effort that mothers make to bring children into the world and to raise those children.  And there are oh so many sacrifices!  He doesn't look down on me as I rock my precious daughter at 3am and think, "oh Kim, if only you had followed Baby Wise methods more precisely, you wouldn't be in this mess."  Rather I believe He looks at me with love and compassion.  As a new mother, still healing, giving so much of herself to care for her daughter, His daughter too.  I believe He looks at me with love and tenderness and gratitude for my willingness to care for one of His children and to be her mother.  He knows I am doing what I can.  And most importantly, He knows I love her and that is what matters most to Him.  I imagine He cares very little about whether I choose to follow this method or that.  Those methods are more for my sanity and have nothing of eternal significance in them.

But it's so easy to forget that.

It's far too easy to be judgemental and critical of ourselves and of each other.  Like Martha of the Bible who criticized her sister Mary, we often fall prey to thinking there's a right or wrong way to do things.  In very few cases, is there a right or wrong way that applies to each and every family, each and every mother, each and every child.  No, in most cases, there are just options and we all get to choose.  We get to try.  We get to learn and we get to try again.  The last thing we need is to be hard on ourselves or hard on each other.

So when you look at the mother with a child who is acting out, rather than thinking, "oh if only she would only do this or that", how about instead you extend her the same love and compassion that you yourself need in your own mothering.

To the mother with the crying baby or toddler in the night and to the mother with the older child who is having trouble at school or with his friends and to all mothers everywhere who feel at one point or another that you are or have somehow failed your child, I want to remind you of a loving Heavenly Father who is just grateful that you are trying.  Turn to Him in prayer with your doubts, with your questions and for the divine help you need because He certainly knows you need His help.  He knows you are not a perfect mother and that's ok.  He loves you and honours the sacred title you bear.  Be kind and gentle with yourself, always.