I AM NOT MY BODY.

I don't read blogs much.  Weird, I know, considering I write one.

The first time I sat down at my computer and got lost in "blogger-land", reading blogs of people I knew, I was left feeling yucky.  Yep, yucky is the best word for it.
I felt the foul tinge of envy from the lives portrayed by these bloggers.  I know that is a result of my own insecurities coming up to the surface but it's also the nature of the blogging world.  It tends to not be very 'real'.   One blog I do check fairly regularly because I feel uplifted when I read it, is Stephanie Nielson’s blog.

Her and her husband were in an airplane crash, in which over 80% of her body was badly burned.  They survived but her body is so scarred and she now stands as an example to the world of the beauty of the soul.  I say this because the incredible woman she is, shines through her scarred skin.  Her example has made me want to be a better person.  Her example has made me want to be a better mother.  Her example has reminded me that I am not my body, in a very poignant way.  I have cried for her and I have been in awe of her.

You should check out this youtube video about Stephanie called, My New Life.

She went from looking like this

To this

In the beginning of the video, Stephanie says, "I am not my body."
Those words struck me back a few years ago when I first watched the video.  They have come back to my mind this week.

Those words speak to me.

This blog is a lot about fitness, about the body.  I love trying to take care of my body.  I love learning about nutrition.  I like trying to look good but even more, I love feeling good.  I love feeling strong, healthy and capable.  Fitness and nutrition help me with that. Ultimately, I feel deep inside that this body I have is a gift.  It is a gift to carry me through this mortal life.  It is the place my soul resides while I am on earth.  My soul is who I really am.  My soul existed before I came to earth.  My soul will continue to exist after death.  My soul is eternal.  This body is not.  At times, I feel frustrated with my body but that's ok. I know it's normal for our soul to struggle somewhat trying to carry out a life in an imperfect shell.  I do believe that one day we will all be resurrected and receive an eternal, perfect body.  But for now,  I try to care for my body so that my soul can live more fully.  That is what those words, "I am not my body" mean to me.

"Begin to develop authentic power, which is not located in the physical body...You will know that you are not that body, and that the real measure of your humanity is in your soul housed in that body.  Your sense of self will shift from being totally identified with your body, to being identified with your invisible self."  

                                                                               - Dr Wayne W. Dyer from "Real Magic"

Hypothermic Half Marathon

At family prayer the night before, Riley asked Heavenly Father to "bless mom that she'll be as close to the front of the race as possible."  Driving over to the race Saturday morning I was telling my kids that it was good I was wearing my bright pink coat because it would be easy for them to see me.  Kyla said, "mom, make sure you smile the whole time too cause then we'll look for the woman with a bright pink coat and a big smile."

It was a race that I won't forget.  Mostly because of the weather but also because of Amanda.

As most of you know, I didn't specifically train for this race.  I only ran it because a friend of mine at the gym offered me her registration because she had hurt her back.  I hadn't done a run over an hour since before Christmas and this race reminded me how much training makes a difference.  It's easy for me and for others to forget that sometimes.  I think sometimes we think that some people are just born to run or that running just comes so easily for them.  I don't think that's true.  It is true that some people have body types that suit running a little more but that's certainly not the most important factor, as I have seen some solid, stocky first place finishers.  The most important factor to running success is time and training.  That's it.  That's the only reason I have become an endurance athlete.  I've put in the time and the training. 

My muscles and joints were quite painful this race, due to a lack of training.

(With my kids at the starting line)



The first half up to the turnaround point, I kept reminding myself to 'relax into it' and save myself for the second half.  I felt good the first 5 km but then some mild suffering set in.  There was this chick in orange lululemon spandex tagged in my mind as a target.  I do this every race; choose people that I want to make sure I beat.  It makes racing more of a game and keeps me motivated and determined. 

At the turnaround point my orange spandex friend had stopped for a port o potty break so I made my pass.  Then the sun started really breaking through the clouds so I gave Adam my mitts.  I started taking off my coat, moving my race bib to be underneath my coat, so that the next time I saw Adam I could give him my coat as well.  That was a highlight of the race, those 5 minutes of sun and feeling so refreshed and strong.  My pace was picking up a bit and it felt good to be on the second half.

Then I looked up and some ominous, dark clouds started rolling in.  I hoped I would bypass them.  Within a couple minutes I felt like I was in the eye of the storm.  The wind and snow were insane.  I couldn't believe it.  My cute little family was right in the middle of it, cheering me on again.  I asked Adam for mitts because my hands were so frozen.  Funny thing is, my lips were so frozen too.  Adam ran back to the truck and found me a couple kms ahead to give me mitts.

That's also when I met Amanda.  She was my next passing target but when I went to pass she asked if she could run with me, or rather told me she wanted to run with me.  I was ok with that, I just had to change my perception of her from target to buddy.  The last 6 kms of the race she chatted a lot and told me how she had a collapsed bladder from childbirth a few years ago and that this was her first race since then.  She was told she'd need surgery but decided she was going to work hard with physio to get better.  This race was a big deal to her, for those reasons.  She explained that at 15km she was starting to get really discouraged and was going to call her brother who lived nearby to pick her up.  Then I came along and in her words, "my feelings of isolation disappeared because of you."  Amanda is a high school teacher and has been teaching her class this week about the importance of connections with others.  I felt that the blessing of helping Amanda was God's plan for me in this race.  I would have never suspected that outcome.

Amanda and I suffered through that storm together and it was so insane.  We couldn't see the markings on the sidewalk for the course anymore and since we were following the guy with the blue shirt in front of us, we ended up crossing down the wrong bridge until we realized we were off course.  We found our way with Adam's help.  Honestly Adam was such a big help that race.  He went and bought me some gatorade when I realized they were only offering water on course.  Him and the kids found spots to cheer me on all along the course.  Adam said the kids got so into it, high fiving all the runners.  Amanda commented on how cool it was that they were there and that I was such a great example to my kids of being healthy and doing hard things.

My left knee started throbbing beyond my ability to run with only 1 km left.  I told Amanda I needed to stretch and she said, "that's great, I'll stop and have a drink."  Wow, were my quads and hamstrings ever tight.  I was able to run again after a quick stretch though.  As we neared the finish line my kids ran up to me and Riley said, "I want to run to the finish line with you,"  Of course Kyla said, "me too."  And Adam joined in too.  That was special.  I've never run through the finish line with my kids and husband before.  The time clock said 2 hours 12 seconds.  I gave Amanda a big hug and told her how proud I was of her.

(Right before the finish line.  Amanda ran ahead so I could stop and run through the finish line with my family)

Unexpected Hypothermia

Well, I hadn't planned to race but I couldn't turn down the opportunity either.

A friend of mine at the gym hurt her back and asked if I wanted to take her registration for the HYPOTHERMIC HALF MARATHON this Saturday.  I debated for a couple weeks about whether to do it or not, then finally decided, why not??  Actually the truth is that I asked Adam if he wanted to race it and he said, "sure."  Then I thought about that scenario, got jealous and came back to him saying, "actually, do you mind if I race it instead?"  He laughed and responded again with, "sure."  He didn't really care either way because he's focused on triathlon training and preparing to podium this year at Magrath.

So, in five short days I'll be doing this:

Good thing the race banner reminds us that it's only 50% as cold as it could be, because I would hate to see 100%.  Folks, running in the cold is not pretty.  (Photos from last year's race).

There's a reason I did my marathon on a treadmill.  I've had the frozen eyelashes, frozen snot, frozen feet....On my last long run in the cold, my neckwarmer got wet from my breathing and then it froze.  So, I ran two hours with a bouncing block of ice around my neck.  Truth is, I ran outside through several winter seasons but that was before my gym membership.  Now I've became a fair weather runner.  Good news is that it looks like it will be above zero this year, which is fabulous for February in Calgary.  I'm looking forward to having fun with this race.  I'm going to run the majority of the race at a 5:30/km pace and just relax and enjoy myself.  And if I get cold, I'll just close my eyes and pretend I'm running here:

I ran a marathon.

Yesterday I ran a marathon...on a treadmill.
I'm a little timid to broadcast that because I know it's odd.  Let me explain.

Ironman Cozumel was both a major accomplish and a huge disappointment.  The accomplishment was in the preparation (so many hours of training), the swim and the bike went well and I finished that marathon despite being so, so sick.  The disappointment was that the marathon was much slower than planned and due to my "digestive" problems, I was not able to run the speed that my fitness would have made possible.  After that race I said out loud that I would never do a marathon again but in my head, there was a little voice saying, "you will do that again and you'll do it well next time."  I ignored that little voice in my head for awhile but last summer I decided I was ready to listen to it.

Timing was an issue.

I already had enough races going on in the summer and early fall.  I didn't want to wait too long to do the marathon, so winter made the most sense.  There's no local marathons and I didn't want to travel for this one.  So, I decided I would just do it ON MY OWN.  The treadmill made the most sense because then I could have my water bottles filled with electrolytes and calories.  Not to mention the fact that it's 30 degrees warmer in the gym than it is outside right now (my knees get sore in the cold).

I was nervous this whole week.  I trained for this but I cut my training short because I was getting bored and impatient with building up my times.  My longest training run was just short of 3 hours long.  Adam reassured me saying that whatever I lacked in training, I would make up for in mental toughness.  Ironman training did give me that gift of being able to suffer through loooonnnngg workouts.

At 9AM I took my kids to the gym childcare.  Adam planned to pick them up at noon (on his lunch break) and take them to my parent's house for the rest of the afternoon.  I set up my station next to the treadmill with my water bottles, change of clothes, sweat towels, electrolyte drinks, snacks, extra runners etc.  Yep, it was quite a pile of stuff.

I broke the marathon up into 4 sections in my mind, one hour at a time.  I started at a 5:30/km pace and actually held that pace right through to the end.  Adam put a few movies on his ipod for me to watch.  I hooked it up to the TV on the treadmill and that really helped pass the time.  Of course there was suffering but nothing I couldn't run through.  By the third hour I started feeling somewhat lightheaded and my joints and muscles were achy.  My knee hurt off and on (my IT strap helped with that).  My left hip flexor was sore for the last three hours but it didn't get bad enough to make me walk.  I changed shirts three times and re-applied vaseline to any potential chaffing areas (think anywhere that clothing rubs).  I remembered from IM having a chaffing line at the top of my shorts that was bad enough that it bled, so I was generous with the vaseline.  I was so grateful for Silvana, who was there to support me by running on the treadmill next to me.  Thanks Silvana!

I finished in 3:50 (time on the treadmill) and 4:25 (total time including time off the treadmill for bathroom and changing clothing/runners).  It was weird to get off the treadmill with my wobbly legs.  The other people at the gym had no idea what I had just done, they probably wondered why I was walking funny though.  No cheering crowds.  I stretched, showered and came home to meet Adam.  He said, "I have something to present you with."  Then he put a medal around my neck and I cried.  I had been battling doubts about whether this marathon "counted" and so that medal meant a lot to me.  Thanks Adam!

Trying out the snorkel.

I find it fun to share the 'not so attractive' side of triathlon.  Swimming is pretty unattractive, With the swim cap and goggles but a snorkel brings it to another level.

Adam's swim club members were required to buy a snorkel.  The point being, that you can then focus on your kick and your arm stroke, without taking your face out of the water for a breath.  Adam's coach claimed that the snorkel helped him tremendously (he's a professional ironman triathlete.)  He said that he wasn't 'catching' properly with his left arm and he only realized this with the snorkel.  Adam wanted me to try it out but warned me that it was hard to get used to.  I thought to myself, "what could be so hard? I've swam in the ocean with a snorkel looking for fish and corral several times, without any trouble."

Well, it was tricky after all.  My first lengths I only kicked, so I could get used to the breathing but I kept having to stop and take it out to get a breath.  I also kept getting water up my nose.  It was hard to keep the water blocked from coming into my nose and only breath into my mouth.  I started to figure it out after a few lengths and decided that, even though it's an ugly tool, it's definitely a helpful one.  I found it especially helpful for working on my kick.  I've been focusing lately on trying to have looser ankles (think fins or fish).  With the snorkel it was awesome because I could stay underwater in the correct body position and just think about kicking better.  I could hear my coach's voice in my head, "from the hip, soften the knee, soften the ankles."  It's coming little by little.  I must say, I love this off season work.  I get to patiently take time to improve in the details, without worrying about increasing time/pace so much.

Oh and by the way, I have decided to run a marathon.  Ok, I did it.  I put it out there.  That means I have to actually follow through on it.  I'm just going to run it on my own timing, not in an actual race.  I want to do it in December and there aren't any local marathons on a Saturday in December, so I figured I don't need the structure of a race this time around.
I ran for 2 hours today and it was ok.  As good as 2 hours on a treadmill can be I guess.  I'm building my time up to about 2.5 hours and then I'm just going to go for it.  If I'm being honest, the reason I want to do a marathon is to prove to myself that I can do it (IM Cozumel doesn't really count) and ALSO to get my body used to the idea of running that long because someday I would love the give the full Ironman another shot.

Life Lessons From The Pool.

Today at swim club we did time trials.  This is my first time starting off the swim block in a timed event.  It's also my first time being timed at short distances (I'm used to longer distance swims in triathlons.)

On our last 50 m, my dad asked to move up into my heat, so that he could race against me.  He had that "Harding gleam" in his eye, excited for some family competition.  He dived out in front of me off the blocks but I made sure to beat him.  Our coach seemed to find our banter funny, as she was giggling when we finished up.  Beyond the friendly competition, I had some "aha" moments.

The pictures have little to nothing to do with my points...

 When I get tired, it's harder to keep good technique.  I often revert to old habits.
Those old habits are buried underneath layers of all the new things I've learned and as I get tired, the layers start to peel away.  I start entering the water across my body, it gets hard to keep my elbow high and I don't glide as much with each pull.  Basically I start swimming how I used to swim  In life when I either try to do too much or don't get enough sleep, my life skills revert and get ugly too.  I sometimes see this in friends as well, who with good intentions, want to give their children lots of good skills and experiences but get too busy and stressed in the process.

Do it for as long as you can do it well, then take a break and come back to it refreshed.

I used to only do long sets in the pool.  In Ironman training, I would often swim 3,000 km straight sets.  This meant that I was swimming about 400 m with good technique and 2,600 m with progressively sloppier technique.  In swim club, we do smaller sets and switch up the strokes.  For example today the main set was 4 x 200 IM (2 x 50 drill, 50 kick, 50 swim).  It is a shorter, more focused effort on a specific skill and then you switch to something else before you get tired and sloppy.  This principle of variety and shorter focused effort applies to life.  In fact, that is how I like to clean.  I don't like to clean for long periods of time. I like to do it in shorter "bursts" here and there.

Best to learn it right the first time.  Bad habits are hard to break...but they can be broken, there is hope.
I LOVE the dolphin kick.  It's seriously so fun!  I've never tried it before and I'm glad I haven't because I came to it with a clean slate.  My coach showed me the proper motion on the first day of swim club.  (Originates in the core, really roll the hips down to the toes in a fluid motion.)  I picked it up quickly.  One reason for this is I had no bad habits to break.  In fact, I'm progressing quickly in the breast and fly for the same reason.  Freestyle is a lot harder because my stroke is so ingrained in me.  It's like someone trying to teach you to walk differently, when you've been walking a certain way for years.  Not easy.  But not impossible either.  I am learning and changing, teaching my brain and body new habits.  I felt this principle in our first year of marriage.  I felt that the habits that Adam and I set that year were going to be important.  We had a clean slate back then.  Fortunately in life and in swimming, there is still hope to break bad habits, it's just harder than setting them right the first time.

To be fast in the water, you need to be relaxed and take advantage of the glide and recovery.  
Sometimes I forget that and I think that if I give more effort, I'll go faster.  Only effective effort makes you faster.  Slugging it out like a panicked, drowning person isn't fast and it isn't effective.  I know this because in the races where I'm calm and relaxed and smooth, I always have a faster time.  Whereas when I start forcing it and stroking too fast, I tire and end up being slower because of sloppy effort.  Trouble is, I keep forgetting this principle.  Like this morning in the pool, I wanted to be fast and forgot to be smooth and relaxed.  In life, I am at my best when my efforts are used at things that help me move closer to my goals and when I take advantage of the "recovery" phases.  In my life, this looks like making sure I have some "down time" each day so that when I need to be on, I'm on.

Improvement comes little by little...sometimes it feels so meticulous it's ridiculous!
 I catch myself doubting these little improvements.  Like when my coach says, "roll a little more in the water", I think sometimes, "can a little more roll really make a difference?"  It takes a certain amount of trust too, to believe that small changes here and there will really add up.  I sometimes think, "oh, the way I'm doing it has gotten me this far, no need to change."  But that's not the way to improvement.  I need to let go of old ways and trust in higher wisdom.
I only improve as a swimmer, when I'm willing to make these LITTLE CHANGES.

Harvest Half Marathon

Saturday I ran in the Harvest Half Marathon in Calgary.  I finished in just under 1:52.  I'm happy with that, especially considering I ran with a sore knee for the last 6 km and had to stop and stretch twice.  I know I could have been under 1:50 if it weren't for the sore knee.

I was kind of emotional when I crossed the finish line.  So much relief and joy.  Races can be a little intense: the preparation, the pre-race nerves, the visualizing, the doubts that try to creep in, the pleasure of pushing and racing, the suffering as it gets difficult....there's just a lot of emotion there.  I really doubted my fitness this race because I chose not to make this race a priority in my life.  I wondered what I could really do on the course and felt concerned about my knee because it had been bothering me in training.  I knew this would be my last race of the season and wanted to end the season on a good note.

I started the race at the front and ended up racing around some great runners.  Fish Creek park is SO beautiful to run in this time of year.  When we were descending into the park from Evergreen and our view took in the golden rolling hills surrounding the valley, I commented to the runner beside me, "isn't it so beautiful!"  She looked at me like, "why are you talking to me?"  My recent approach with races has been to really soak in the scenery as much as I can.  It helps pull my mind out of the racing and just breath in the beauty.

One of my favorite parts of the race was having all my family cheer me on at SEVERAL points along the course.  THANK-YOU!!  My other favorite part was seeing this guy run barefoot next to me.  I wondered how he felt about his lack of footwear when we hit some rocky path

Here's some pics from the race:

Doing things backwards.

It seems like with my racing I do things a bit backwards.  I did a full Ironman before I did a half Ironman.  I did a marathon and half marathon within triathlons before I ever did the run portion on it's own.  So this Saturday I will be doing a half marathon.  And for the many people who have said to me, "oh a half, that will be so easy for you."  Remember people, this is my first half marathon.  It will be my first experience at how to properly pace myself at this distance.  It may sound odd to you but I actually LOVE running off the bike in triathlons.  My legs are warm, I'm already psyched and in race mode and I know I'm on the last leg of the triathlon.  So, pure running races are very odd for me.  I'd like to keep improving at them though.

I've had a bit of a struggle to figure out how to approach this race.  It's my last race of the season and I'm already kind of in "off season" mode, so it's been harder to get pumped up and eager for this one.  I've wondered if I should just take it easy and not go full out but then I remember that's not really in my nature.  I get a huge thrill out of giving everything I have to give in a race and immense satisfaction when I pace it well and am able to finish really strong.  I love tapping into my deeper emotional and physical reserves in racing.  It's exhilarating.  But right now I just feel like being more gentle with my body (part of that off season mentality.)  Just one more race body....you can do it!!!  Then you get a nice, long break until the spring.

Good news is this race is in my beloved Fish Creek Park.  This is a place of peace and serenity and untouched beauty to me.  It's a place that I've bonded with, after the many training hours I've spent down there.  I imagine that racing down there will feel very natural and familiar and comforting.