The woman behind the picture - Part 2: Angela Franceschi

Today I am going to share with you my struggle and recovery from an eating disorder. Why might you ask am I doing this? Because anorexia is the 3rd most common chronic illness among adolescents. Did you know that 95 % of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12-25. I fit right into that statistic!!! I hope that sharing my struggles and triumphs will help that one mother who is terrified watching her young daughter shrink before her eyes. Or that one teenager who can’t see her true beauty and is pressured to fit all of society’s expectations. I am so grateful to Kim for this chance to tell my story.
                                                                  
  I grew up in a very supportive, loving home. My parents made me feel smart, pretty, talented and encouraged me in my interests . I loved going fishing with my dad and drawing in my sketch pad. My nose was always buried in a book or I was down in fish creek exploring with my twin sister. When I started junior high school I was shy but confident in myself thanks to my wonderful family. Sadly it didn't last. I had my very own bully. He would taunt me in the halls and class. He would make rude comments about the fact I had no chest, tease me about my big glasses and frizzy hair and my clothes. I was left anxious, depressed and insecure. This is where the first seed was planted. I started wearing contact lenses and discovered hair product that battled my curly hair. Then it was time for High School. I loved art and did well in English but math and science completely dumbfounded me. I struggled and my grades fell. Add the pressure to wear the right clothes, have the right boyfriend and be in the right social groups. It was too much for me I felt like I was losing control, that I couldn’t live up to the expectations put on me.  This was the beginning.
 
Anorexia tells you many lies. That if you just loose 10 pounds you will be popular. Everybody will love you. That all your problems will go away. And the biggest lie of all that you will be happy.  I did many things to control my weight .....I withheld food for long periods of time .Then I would have periods of binging and would eat everything in sight. To overcome the guilt from this I would consume large amounts of laxatives to purge my system. After 3-4 years  I was left physically weak and tired, my hair was thinning, fuzz was growing all over my body (to try and keep warmth in  since I had no fat left ), my periods stopped, I had ulcers and developed IBS and acid reflux. Emotionally and spiritually I was drained. I had completely isolated myself from my family, friends and my Heavenly Father.  I felt completely alone.

The moment of realization came one night. I was in bed.  I always had a number in my head of the ideal weight I wanted to be and I had finally reached it. I lay there feeling my hip bones and the hollow space that used to be my stomach.  I ran my hands over my protruding ribs. This used to comfort me and my addiction, anorexia, would tell me this was good, this was right. But something changed. I felt scared!!! I realized this was going to kill me and it needed to STOP right NOW!!!!!  I called out to my Savior. I am a spiritual person and have always known Gods love for me. But this addiction had completely consumed me to the point where I hadn't prayed in years. I pleaded to my Father in Heaven to give me strength, to show me what he saw in me that was worth saving. For a second I saw what he sees, a daughter of God, shining with happiness, joy and love, with strength and confidence. I was beautiful inside and out. Waves of gratitude washed over me and a spark was lit in me that grew and grew as I turned away from my anorexia and to my savior.

I went downstairs and sat beside my mom. She was and still is my biggest supporter. She did everything for me. Talked with me, listened to me and most importantly prayed for me and loved me non stop for 4 years. It must have been so heart breaking to watch her daughter shrink and shrink before her eyes and nothing she did could stop it. You can’t make or force anyone to change or get healthy. It has to be a decision you make independently and I was ready. Mom and I hugged and cried and ate. 

So the battle began between me and anorexia. I did everything. I went to naturopaths, counselors, shrinks, doctors , nutritionists and attended ARP ( an addiction recovery program ) . My family battled right beside me and I couldn’t have done it with out them. It was a slow and hard path to recovery with many stumbles along the way. 

I have been recovered for over 8 years. I enjoy food and try to eat healthy nutritious meals but I love my chocolate!!! I appreciate my body and the miracle it is, especially after having two beautiful children. I love to be physically active and feel strength in my muscles, I will never take that for granted ever again. Sadly there will always be that voice in the back of my mind telling me to not eat or that I’m fat. That’s the nature of eating disorders. But I choose to not give that voice power. I choose to ignore it and it gets fainter and fainter every year.
 
When I first saw the pictures from my photo shoot, that voice grumbled it tried to tell me old lies. I cried when I realized this was something I could still feel after all these years. But after praying and confiding in good friends, I saw the strength I have now and how far I have come.  This is my story with anorexia and I WON !!!

The woman behind the picture - Part 1: Kim Layton

I remember asking my husband a few years ago, as we chatted before falling asleep one night, "what is something you've noticed that I could improve on?"  I sincerely wanted to know.  I figured that he, as my husband, could see things that I couldn't and could help me improve.  His answer surprised me.  He said, "I've noticed that you sometimes feel discouraged about your body."  Not what I expected but he was right.  So we talked about it and since then I've become more aware of how hard on myself I can be, at times, with my physical appearance.  I've noticed that when I don't feel accepting of my own body, I can be irritable and impatient.  There have been moments when I have been impatient with one of my kids and I've realized that it has little to do with them and so much more to do with how I feel about myself in that moment.

I grew up as the tall, shy girl.  A perfect recipe for poor posture.  I slouched my shoulders in and popped a hip out to the side, in order to draw less attention to myself.  My parents always made me feel beautiful.  They always commented on what a natural beauty I was.  My dad always encouraged me to play down my makeup and clothing and play up my own natural self.  I felt beautiful to my family but I felt awkward and ill at ease at school. I envied the girls who seemed to get so much attention from boys. Junior high dances were such an awful place for a shy, tall, teenage girl.  The only place at school that I felt confident about my body was in sports.  On the volleyball or the basketball court I knew who I was, I knew what I could do and I loved using my body in an athletic, strong way.  My height, a point of embarrassment, became a strength on the court.

That confidence I felt on the court, eventually found it’s way into the rest of my life.  By university I felt settled into who I was, emotionally and physically.  I was also learning to define myself and explore who I was as a person.  By deciding not to play university basketball, I chose to explore other sides of myself and enjoy the adventure of it.  But old habits die hard and even though there weren’t any more junior high dances to attend, there were situations where my old feelings arose.  In those moments I felt awkward, like I didn’t quite fit in, like I wasn’t as desirable as other girls and like I wasn’t fully beautiful because of some imperfection that I had become aware of.

This brings me to the story of my reaction to this photo shoot.  The first time I read Liz’s idea, I thought, “wow that’s a great idea….for someone else.”  But then I started thinking more about it and decided that it was a great idea for me.  I was excited and also nervous at the prospect of being the centre of attention in a portrait session and thrilled at the prospect of having beautiful pictures of myself.

The shoot went well.  I was nervous but tried to relax and be myself, so that something of who I really am could maybe show in the photos.  I had in my mind this idea of what the pictures might look like and my hopes were high.  Then I saw the sneak peak photo on facebook and it was like I had been thrown into a junior high dance all over again.  I was embarrassed and felt like other people must be seeing all the critical things that I was noticing about myself (hair too dark, lips look dark, nose looks weird, hairline looks weird etc etc etc)  The thing is that in a perfect world I would be able to notice all those critical things about myself and just think, “oh well, I know I’m beautiful and I’m sure I’ll look better in some of the other pictures.”  But I wasn’t in a perfect world, I was back in a junior high dance in that moment, dealing with some old feelings again.

Of course I noticed all the good things about the women in the other pictures, which intensified my own feelings.  I had a wave of jealousy and felt that I was lacking. So I had a cry, called a great friend, had a heartfelt prayer or two and gained some perspective on the whole experience.  I was then able to see this as a great learning experience for myself and possibly for others.  I also got to thinking about the other women in the pictures.  When I remembered that they are real, kind, good people and not just “pretty faces”, the jealousy melted away and I felt love for them. 

I’m grateful to Liz for her inspired idea of doing a “women are beautiful” photo shoot.  She is incredibly talented and has been so kind and patient with us women, as we deal with our emotional issues.  In the end, I have realized that now I not only have some beautiful pictures but I also have re-learned some important lessons.

·        I have learned that I am beautiful on my own. 

·        My beauty is not relative to other people, even if they are in the same photo shoot. 

·        I have learned that I am beautiful, not in spite of, but because of all the things that make me uniquely me.

·         I have learned that I am worth capturing on camera.

·         I have learned not to be jealous of other women but to remember that they are real and have a story to tell. 

I wonder when I’ll need to learn these lessons again. J  

Some of my favorites....

I wanted to share some of my favorite shots from the portrait session.  I'm in the process of writing about beauty and body image and will share it with you in the next couple of days.  

I'm also so excited to share the stories of other ladies who participated in this portrait session.  They are all amazing women and I think that each of us learned some things from this experience.

Even Liz (the photographer) has learned some things and will hopefully share her unique perspective as she photographed a group of uniquely beautiful women and then listened to us all work through our concerns and issues, as we participated.  

Finding Beauty.

I've been reflecting on "beauty" the past few days.

We are our own worst critics, I know.  The first picture I saw from my photo shoot was the picture above with my medal and my bike.  I didn't feel beautiful in it.  I thought the other women in the photo shoot looked so gorgeous in their pictures, which intensified my own feelings.

So then I had this idea.

What if we could learn the story behind the picture.  That would change how we view the woman.  

I am going to talk with the other women who had their pictures taken in this photo shoot and some of us will share our stories.

We will share times when we've struggled with finding beauty in ourselves. We will share our hearts with you, in hopes that you will know you are not alone.  You are not alone when you don't feel beautiful on any particular day, in any particular moment.  

We will also share how we've learned to find our own unique beauty, in hopes that you will find yours.  

I hope you will check back to read about mine and other women's stories.  Also,  I would love for you to add to the discussion with comments!!

Women Are Beautiful

I've signed up for a photo shoot this Saturday....oh wait I guess that's tomorrow.  I have a list going of things I should do before then (paint my nails, iron my clothes etc.)  I've been looking forward to it and feeling nervous about it all week.  Now I just feel mostly excited and only a touch nervous, which is a nice relief.  It's probably because I've figured out all my outfits and dealt with my hair trauma.  I wanted to cut and dye my hair this week before the shoot.  Made the mistake of buying the "iced" color of hair dye and it had too much purple, so I had to dye it again yesterday.  While Adam was applying the dye, he jokingly asked, "how did I get stuck with this job anyways??"

My friend Liz is taking the pictures.  Here's her idea for the shoot : http://pigtailsandsnails.blogspot.com/2012/02/women-are-beautiful-promo-photo-shoot.html
She's a very talented artist and I trust her to do a great job.  I AM really excited to have beautiful pictures taken.


We're going to do some fitness shots and she's even letting me bring my bike!!  I'm excited to have some nice pictures with my bike and my medal.  Liz has also requested I wear a classic white T-shirt and jeans for some shots, a sweater for others and then I have this beautiful feminine dress as well.   I like the idea of showing the contrast that I have in my life of STRONG vs. SOFT.

Of course I'll share the photos on my blog as soon as I get them.

Planning Meeting

I'm having a familiar feeling tonight............I felt it often during Ironman training and always on Sunday nights.  That's because the fun, relaxed pace of the weekend is drawing to an end and my mind starts to think about the week ahead.  I would define the feeling as trepidation.  I only feel it when I have a busy week of training ahead and have to do those dreaded twice/day workouts.  They really are the bane of my existence.  Ok, that's a bit dramatic, but they are annoying.

I either have to do the 2 workouts as a brick (back to back) which means really rushing at the gym, so that my daughter's not in childcare too long.  Or I have to go to the gym twice, which sometimes plagues me with guilt because once again, I don't like Kyla to have to be at the child care too much.  Plus I don't like to have to go back to the gym - it just feels ridiculous.  Or I have to do one of the workouts in the evening, which stinks because I hate missing out on family time for that.  Notice that I haven't mentioned the option of waking up early to do one of the workouts.  I'm just not a morning person.  


We've learned that to make weeks like this go smoothly, we have to rely on the the "SUNDAY NIGHT PLANNING MEETING".  Adam and I sit down after the kids are in bed with our calendar and go through the week, day by day.  I know it sounds really official but it's helped us so much.

Happy Valentine's Day this week everyone!!

Shin Splints

I'm three weeks into training and have given myself shin splints.  I've had these before, so I know how to care for them.  I made the common error of going too hard during rest week.  My training calls for 2 weeks on and 1 week rest (by rest I mean reduced training).  So on Tuesday I was supposed to do a 45 minute run.  I did my run, then went to a one hour cardio class, then taught boot camps that evening at my house.  It seemed like a good idea at the time but not so much when I woke up sore the next morning.

So instead of my run this morning I did 45 minutes on the elliptical machine and then did a yoga class.  Yoga felt amazing and was just what I needed.

Other than the shin splints, training is going really well.  Almost every time I exercise I think, "wow, this is so eary compared to full ironman training."  I just need to remember to take it easier during rest week, so that I let my body have the time it needs to recover before going hard again.