The woman behind the picture - Part 1: Kim Layton

I remember asking my husband a few years ago, as we chatted before falling asleep one night, "what is something you've noticed that I could improve on?"  I sincerely wanted to know.  I figured that he, as my husband, could see things that I couldn't and could help me improve.  His answer surprised me.  He said, "I've noticed that you sometimes feel discouraged about your body."  Not what I expected but he was right.  So we talked about it and since then I've become more aware of how hard on myself I can be, at times, with my physical appearance.  I've noticed that when I don't feel accepting of my own body, I can be irritable and impatient.  There have been moments when I have been impatient with one of my kids and I've realized that it has little to do with them and so much more to do with how I feel about myself in that moment.

I grew up as the tall, shy girl.  A perfect recipe for poor posture.  I slouched my shoulders in and popped a hip out to the side, in order to draw less attention to myself.  My parents always made me feel beautiful.  They always commented on what a natural beauty I was.  My dad always encouraged me to play down my makeup and clothing and play up my own natural self.  I felt beautiful to my family but I felt awkward and ill at ease at school. I envied the girls who seemed to get so much attention from boys. Junior high dances were such an awful place for a shy, tall, teenage girl.  The only place at school that I felt confident about my body was in sports.  On the volleyball or the basketball court I knew who I was, I knew what I could do and I loved using my body in an athletic, strong way.  My height, a point of embarrassment, became a strength on the court.

That confidence I felt on the court, eventually found it’s way into the rest of my life.  By university I felt settled into who I was, emotionally and physically.  I was also learning to define myself and explore who I was as a person.  By deciding not to play university basketball, I chose to explore other sides of myself and enjoy the adventure of it.  But old habits die hard and even though there weren’t any more junior high dances to attend, there were situations where my old feelings arose.  In those moments I felt awkward, like I didn’t quite fit in, like I wasn’t as desirable as other girls and like I wasn’t fully beautiful because of some imperfection that I had become aware of.

This brings me to the story of my reaction to this photo shoot.  The first time I read Liz’s idea, I thought, “wow that’s a great idea….for someone else.”  But then I started thinking more about it and decided that it was a great idea for me.  I was excited and also nervous at the prospect of being the centre of attention in a portrait session and thrilled at the prospect of having beautiful pictures of myself.

The shoot went well.  I was nervous but tried to relax and be myself, so that something of who I really am could maybe show in the photos.  I had in my mind this idea of what the pictures might look like and my hopes were high.  Then I saw the sneak peak photo on facebook and it was like I had been thrown into a junior high dance all over again.  I was embarrassed and felt like other people must be seeing all the critical things that I was noticing about myself (hair too dark, lips look dark, nose looks weird, hairline looks weird etc etc etc)  The thing is that in a perfect world I would be able to notice all those critical things about myself and just think, “oh well, I know I’m beautiful and I’m sure I’ll look better in some of the other pictures.”  But I wasn’t in a perfect world, I was back in a junior high dance in that moment, dealing with some old feelings again.

Of course I noticed all the good things about the women in the other pictures, which intensified my own feelings.  I had a wave of jealousy and felt that I was lacking. So I had a cry, called a great friend, had a heartfelt prayer or two and gained some perspective on the whole experience.  I was then able to see this as a great learning experience for myself and possibly for others.  I also got to thinking about the other women in the pictures.  When I remembered that they are real, kind, good people and not just “pretty faces”, the jealousy melted away and I felt love for them. 

I’m grateful to Liz for her inspired idea of doing a “women are beautiful” photo shoot.  She is incredibly talented and has been so kind and patient with us women, as we deal with our emotional issues.  In the end, I have realized that now I not only have some beautiful pictures but I also have re-learned some important lessons.

·        I have learned that I am beautiful on my own. 

·        My beauty is not relative to other people, even if they are in the same photo shoot. 

·        I have learned that I am beautiful, not in spite of, but because of all the things that make me uniquely me.

·         I have learned that I am worth capturing on camera.

·         I have learned not to be jealous of other women but to remember that they are real and have a story to tell. 

I wonder when I’ll need to learn these lessons again. J